I Was a Widow at 40

I have never experienced anything as devastating as the death of my husband. In my lifetime I have lost my sister, my father and one of my best friends. Experiencing those deaths was very, very distressing. However, nothing could have prepared me for the emotionally overwhelming loss of my spouse.

When my husband Larry died, all I wanted to do was to crawl in a hole and sleep my life away. I, unlike many other widows, knew that my husband wasn't long for this world because of his heart, but nothing could ever prepare me for the actual loss. I did realize, however, the most important thing I could do was to keep going. So, when I felt I was physically and mentally capable, the first thing that I did was organize my financial affairs.

Actually, it's the last thing I wanted to do. Coming face-to-face with the actual budget numbers was something of a reality jolt. But, I was one of the "fortunate" widows. I had a good job that paid the bills and even though Larry couldn't get more than $10,000 in life insurance due to his heart condition, this money was enough to pay for funeral expenses. For those who have experienced this great loss, here are six steps to help you get going again:

Step 1: Take it slow

It's easy to feel pushed to make money decisions quickly. Don't. This is one time when procrastinating can help you.

If you've suddenly received a large sum of life-insurance money from your husband's policy, refrain from investing it for at least six months. But don't stash the money under your mattress, either. Instead, put the cash in a money-market fund, short-term certificates of deposit (CDs) or treasury bills. These vehicles might be too conservative over the long run, but they do offer a safe place until you are ready to make choices with a clear mind.

Step 2: Don't fall for hot tips

You'll be swamped with money advice from all sides. Some of it will be well-intentioned. But just because an investment worked for someone else doesn't mean it's right for you. Pass on it until you have time to do your own research.

Newly-widowed women are also targeted by unscrupulous salespeople who pore over the local obituaries and ring up with a promise of a surefire investment guaranteeing a return of 15 percent or more. That is simply too good to be true. Hang up the phone.

Step 3: Get organized

In the weeks after your spouse's death, you'll be flooded with paperwork. It's important to do things one step at a time. If you're lucky, you and your husband kept all of your important documents in some orderly fashion. These include everything from copies of your joint tax returns and retirement-account records to insurance policies, brokerage- and bank-account statements, and your wills.

While everything else in your life is in an upheaval, the task of organizing your finances and finding out exactly what you have to work with is one area that you can control.

Step 4: Make room to work

Once you have all your important documents at hand, it's important to find a place in your home where you can sort through it all. You might use a room of your house as your base of operations or lay it all out on the dining room table.

Next, try to set aside a certain time each day to work through the papers. Even if you handle just one task - a phone call or a letter - each day, you'll feel better. Action is empowering.

Step 5: Make contact

You'll need about 2 dozen copies of your husband's death certificate to send to everyone from credit card companies to his insurers. Usually the funeral home that has helped you with your husband's services can get the copies of the death certificate for you. Or, you can always get copies at your local Bureau of Statistics.

Make sure you notify:

• Your husband's employer
• Your husband's life insurance company
• Government offices such as the Social Security Administration and your state's office for inheritance tax
• Financial services providers, such as your bank manager and stockbroker

Step 6: Pay your bills

Failing to make your monthly payments can result in onerous interest charges and late fees, in addition to a tarnished credit report. Eye your bills carefully to be sure they are legitimate. As crummy as it sounds, there are people out for free pickings and not beyond sending you a bill for something your husband supposedly bought and never paid for. Also, it is important to check your husband's credit card accounts. My husband took out insurance on his, so I was not liable for payment.

Surviving a spouse is one of the most difficult things you will do in your lifetime. If you feel that you cannot handle it all, go see a bereavement counselor. Your local funeral home can recommend a counselor or a recovery group that meets in your area.